Mystical Experience: The Clipping
Life was being very mean to me. After falling head-over-heels in love and having both relationships come to an end, I was almost two years into a third romance. Things seemed to be going well in so many respects, but I became aware of the presence of an addiction that had not been disclosed to me. I felt deceived and tricked. I felt abused. I felt used. I vacillated between the extremes of trying to accept the person (and the addiction) and that of simply chucking everything and going back to a life of solitude. I had stopped praying years ago, defining myself as agnostic and finding (some) solace in the realms of cognitive psychology. However, a few very startling experiences had lead me to begin using the word 'spiritual' again and to begin praying again; although to whom (or what, or FOR what!) I was praying was still a mystery.
On this particular occasion, I had discovered (again) that I had been deceived (again) by words and promises and appearances. The addiction was still very much present. I had made promised, threats, ultimatums, and yet I hesitated. I wasn't getting any younger. Should I quit the relationship? Should I continue trying to make it work? Should I impose restrictions or conditions? What the bloody hell should I do? My mind was in turmoil. I needed guidance! !
I took a solitary walk along a small stream that flowed through a wooded gully in a residential part of town. Though totally surrounded by civilization, I felt like I was alone with nature. A light rain sprinkled the ground as I cried my frustration and pleaded for relief.
My current mindset was that I needed to DO something. But what? Leave? Stay? Ignore the problem? Reframe the obstacle? Intervene? Involve extended family? Separate? Disappear? What???
After I had cried my tears and vented my conflicted emotions, silence set in. I continued walking, still feeling awful, but no longer able to put anything into words of prayer.
Suddenly, two phrases came into my mind. I don't know how to describe this adequately, except by using a computer metaphor: I felt like a 'download' was happening. That is, it seemed like the words were being FED to me, rather than retrieved from my memory. The first phrase was some catchy little new-age axiom I'd heard my younger brother use once or twice: "When in doubt, do nothing." And the second was from the Bible: "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." Tears flowed freely as I felt the relief of knowing that I didn't have to take any particular course of action at this specific moment, but that I would know (I would KNOW!) what to do when the time was right!
And at that very moment, I stopped dead in my tracks and looked down. There, on the ground, was a phrase that had been clipped out of a glossy magazine. The sentence was framed almost perfectly within the clipping, and the fragment was situated on the ground, right-side-up just barely touching my left toe. It said, "Free the Mind."
Of course, I kept the clipping.
On this particular occasion, I had discovered (again) that I had been deceived (again) by words and promises and appearances. The addiction was still very much present. I had made promised, threats, ultimatums, and yet I hesitated. I wasn't getting any younger. Should I quit the relationship? Should I continue trying to make it work? Should I impose restrictions or conditions? What the bloody hell should I do? My mind was in turmoil. I needed guidance! !
I took a solitary walk along a small stream that flowed through a wooded gully in a residential part of town. Though totally surrounded by civilization, I felt like I was alone with nature. A light rain sprinkled the ground as I cried my frustration and pleaded for relief.
My current mindset was that I needed to DO something. But what? Leave? Stay? Ignore the problem? Reframe the obstacle? Intervene? Involve extended family? Separate? Disappear? What???
After I had cried my tears and vented my conflicted emotions, silence set in. I continued walking, still feeling awful, but no longer able to put anything into words of prayer.
Suddenly, two phrases came into my mind. I don't know how to describe this adequately, except by using a computer metaphor: I felt like a 'download' was happening. That is, it seemed like the words were being FED to me, rather than retrieved from my memory. The first phrase was some catchy little new-age axiom I'd heard my younger brother use once or twice: "When in doubt, do nothing." And the second was from the Bible: "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." Tears flowed freely as I felt the relief of knowing that I didn't have to take any particular course of action at this specific moment, but that I would know (I would KNOW!) what to do when the time was right!
And at that very moment, I stopped dead in my tracks and looked down. There, on the ground, was a phrase that had been clipped out of a glossy magazine. The sentence was framed almost perfectly within the clipping, and the fragment was situated on the ground, right-side-up just barely touching my left toe. It said, "Free the Mind."
Of course, I kept the clipping.
posted by AWB @ 2/04/2011 06:56:00 PM
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